the girl-coffe-drink drunk

Does this only happen to me, or is everyone privileged to the annoyance of every moron within a ten-mile radius coming into contact with them on the same day?  It's some kind of weird Murphy's Law thing--one moron simply leads to another and pretty soon we're on a big strange idiot spiral.  

The other day I get to school early to get a coffee for the fiance before class and naturally encounter a ridiculous line.  (That was part of the idiot problem too, lines everywhere as though everyone woke up from a week long nap and wanted to get in my way.)  So anyway, the employees at the Starbucks are actually pretty efficient until some weirdo tries to order some ridiculous drink.  When did this happen?  When did coffee become so complicated?  When I was young coffee was either black or with a packet of sugar, and maybe some half and half.  These days it's either skinny, upside down, extra hot, steamed, molested, iced, or any other strange thing you can imagine.  Why can't people just man up and drink coffee the way it was meant to be consumed?  Hot, black, and with enough caffeine to keep you up all night.  But I digress.

So anyway, I'm standing in line and this guy two people ahead of me orders a strawberries and cream Frappucino.  I'll repeat it for those of you who missed it.  Strawberries and cream Frappucino.  I'm sorry, but no self-respecting man should order a fruity Frappucino.  Shouldn't the same principles that apply at a bar apply at Starbucks?  Men don't walk into a bar and order Appletinis, Cosmos, scooby snacks, bay breezes--even Long Island's are a tad questionable.  I know they taste good, and I'm all for being metrosexual or whatever, but lines must be drawn somewhere.  I say we establish some defining gender roles here and now.  Men should stick to beers, whiskeys, vodka tonics (no vodka Sprites, no vodka cranberrys), and women can drink all the sweet sugary stuff.  That's just the way it should be, and these rules should carry over from the bars into coffee shops and any other place where a manly drink can be ordered over some sort of fruity concoction.  So Strawberries and Cream Frappucino guy, order a tall, black coffee next time.  It'll put some much needed hair on your balls, and it also takes less time so I can get my vanilla, carmel, white chocolate, skinny, half-sugar, triple shot, extra hot, soy latte.  Thanks.

After class I needed to go the bank, a chore I avoid at all possible costs.  Not because I dislike the bank, my bank actually doesn't dick me over like most people's banks, but for some reason I always show up when everyone else does.  I can go at 9am, 12:46pm, or pm, and there is always a line.  Today I was blessed with the old man who is apparently the Romeo of the san marcos credit union.  On occasion he is known to bring in gifts for the tellers (females only, sorry dudes) and chats them up with all his free time.  Not that there is anything wrong with this, and he is probably the nicest old man in the world, but shit, I just wanna deposit my paychecks, get my Andrew jacksons and be on my way.  But alas, I get to stand in line with the guy I almost ran over in the parking lot,  some lady who keeps letting people go ahead of her while she waits for her favorite teller, and a big fat guy who looks like John Goodman in "O Brother Where Art Thou" --same outfit and everything, sans eyepatch-- while Old Man Winter tells the teller all about his dog and why he's withdrawing 200 dollars for his dog.  

Maybe it's just me, but I try to be considerate of others when out in public.  I don't aimlessly wheel my shopping cart around oblivious to people behind me who want to get by, and I also don't take up customer service personnel's time when there is a line behind me.  If Old Man Winter walks into the bank and no one else is there, he should feel free to talk all day long, but when lines are forming, stick to the business at hand.  This is not to discount formal pleasantries, and a bit of small talk here and there, but when your talking interferes with the conduction of business, you need to keep the mouth shut.

Well, I've got to get ready to go.  gotta be somewhere not very important to do some very important things.  And I have to pee.

This blog has no followers

They really try their best to crush your self-esteem here, don't they?  When your blog has no followers and you click on the "View all followers" link a blank page comes up that says in very bold letters, "This blog has no followers."  It's kind of like turning over the cap on the soda bottle that says, "You are not a winner."  

My self-esteem didn't really need that kind of defeat today.  (sigh)

A Few Ways to Spend $6.48

As our economy heads even further down the shitter, here are a few ways to spend your last remaining dollars in a useful, meaningful way.  This post stems from an email to a friend who now, at the age of thirty, has to move back in with mom and dad because the mortgage industry is now DOA.  The text of the original email follows:

In the spirit of helping a brotha' out, here are a few ways to spend your remaining $6.48.  Hope this helps.

1.  find an $5 all-you-can-eat pizza place and go to town.  if they offer you salad, turn it down. fill up on bread, sauce, and meat, and enjoy the diarrhea later.  you will still have $1.48 left, which will buy you some cheap malt liquor after your meal.  drink the malt liquor, cry, and wonder why you just wasted your last bit of change.

2.  put two bucks worth of gas in your truck, head to an indian casino.  exchange the rest of your money for chips (you may only get one, that is if they make a $4.48 chip), and head to the nearest $1 blackjack table.  sit there long enough to get some free drinks, then double down, and cash in.  once you've made enough to afford the crab leg buffet, quit, and enjoy the fine eats.

3.  buy some black paint from home depot.  paint the windows on your truck (except the front, you will need to see where you're going).  drive to a rich part of town and kidnap a small child.  hold the child ransom, cash in.

4.  fuck the all-you-can-eat pizza idea and just spend all $6.48 on malt liquor.  you'll pass out, wake up tomorrow and have no memory of why you slept in a gutter.

5.  save all $6.48 and head to the macadam's house.  raid their fridge.  skip the food, head straight for the Steel Reserve in the back.  Drink.  pass out in gutter.

6.  buy a used porn movie from a liquor store for $4.99 plus tax.  enjoy hours of pleasure jerking off to women who used to be men and one midget.  save the last dollar to buy a roll of 1-ply toilet paper to clean up your man-goo.

7.  the first six should keep you busy, if i think of more, I'll let you know.

balls

ps -- 8.  pay a homeless person $1 to fondle your balls.  you'll get six great ones, but the last one  you'll have to choose between your left nut and right nut.  but hey, a half-fondle is better than no fondle at all.

A Brief Introduction

Ok, so I've been toying with setting up this blog for some time now, and I've finally done it.  I feel like a fraud because I've criticized these on-line, faceless, impersonal interactions for some time now, but perhaps the benefits of blogging have started to wear down my standoffishness--that's not really a word, but you know what I mean.  

Anyhow, for informational purposes here are a few reasons behind the creation of this blog.

1.  I've worked in a grocery store for 10+ years.  Beyond providing a wealth of discussion topics, such as why all the people that come to take inventory look like former roadies for Queensryche, it has given me the opportunity to work a seafood counter for quite some time.  Hence the name--Fish Slinger.  Hence, hence, the name for the blog, "The Fish Slinger Rants."

2.  I am on my last semester as a Lit/Writing major and have to take one final creative writing class.  Seeing as how I am completely unmotivated this semester, and almost always distracted by my XBox and the wonderful nonsense that TiVo decides to tape, I am hoping this blog will provide some sort of outlet for writing that will transition nicely into the creative writing class.  It's convenience really, doing class work while also entertaining myself.

3.  Last, I've been "lurking," at least I think that's what it's called, reading the BSC (Bad Sandwich Chronicles, for you uninformed readers) and after reading BK's most recent post, (look at me, I refer to him as BK like we're close personal friends and we've never even met), I wanted to leave a comment and figured no better time than the present.  

So anyway, here's to the beginning of The Fish Slinger Rants, and thanks to BK and BSC--abbreviations are fun--for inspiring me to do this.  Next time The Larry Arms come to San Diego I'll buy you a beer and pretend we're old friends.  That's a bit creepy, huh?  But perhaps now I'll stop watching TV and playing video games all day and contribute something to this faceless, impersonal, digital world.