.....you save $.35

I wish I were a salesman. I wish I was a preening, self-indulgent dick that could sell people anything. I can say that I've met one decent, honest salesman in my life, but mostly they all suck. Richard (the good salesman) wasn't exactly a salesman, but he had the personality that could convince people to do things they didn't really want to do. We worked at the grocery store together, and when people would come up and ask for a pound of ground beef he'd always say, "A pound? How about two?" Nearly 95% of the time the customer would say yes. Whatever it was in his smile, or his tone, or his overall demeanor, people caved in. Granted it was hamburger and not a boat or a car or a house or anything like that, but I'm sure he could have sold those things too.

What really gets me is, if I tried the same approach I'd get shot down almost every time. People have no problem saying no to me. Either I'm just too much of a pushover, or people have no problem crushing my sales aspirations, but either way, they never cave into my sales pitches. But I don't like to be sold to, so I don't usually try to sell to others. That whole golden rule thing? I try to stick by that as much as possible. And not that I'm exactly in an occupation that requires me to make sales, but it's just the principle of the thing. I wish I had that knack for getting people to do something they don't really want to do. And not in a negative way, and not to abuse my power or anything, but simply having that instant rapport with people would be nice. "Sure I'll take an extra steak. I don't need it, but you're just awesome!" That would be nice.

Here's the problem I have with most sales pitches these days. They aren't even deals. The other day I'm at the Star-B's and I order a grande coffee. (You can't say medium or they throw you out on your ignorant ass). The clerk asks me if I want to upgrade to a venti coffee, the big one, and save .35 cents. Think about it. Buy a bigger coffee and save .35 cents. The last time I checked they weren't going to deduct .35 cents from my original purchase and then hand me more coffee. No, they're going to charge me more for a bigger coffee. That's how it works. There is no extra change in my hand, only a bigger coffee and a bigger charge to my debit card, so tell me, how did I save money? I know their logic is that I'm getting x number of ounces for less than if I bought the same x number of ounces spread out over two smaller sized coffees, but dont' tell me I'm saving .35 cents. If I'm an idiot and order two medium coffees instead of the cheaper, bigger coffee, sure, offer that shit right on up. Otherwise, don't tell me I'm going to save money when I'm not going to save money. Saving money means I get to watch my bank account grow, not decline.

enough for now.

a new game I'm inventing...

Actually, I suppose it's not a game really, it's more of an attempt to let idiots know they're idiots, which in its own right can be somewhat of a game. Kind of like, you do realize you're an idiot, right? No? Well, perhaps I can trick you somehow into agreeing with me. After all, you're wearing a wife beater in the middle of winter and drinking a PBR at 8:00am, it shouldn't be too hard. But that's just a hypothetical situation, friends.

Anyway, this new pastime I'm creating here is going to be called Slurpeeing, or Iceeing, or Jamba Juicing. It's pretty self-explanatory, and a good pastime for those of us who are fed up with morons but lack the testicles to do anything about it in person. The way this works is you drive around fully stocked with juicy, smoothie-type beverages and throw them at people who piss you off. The bicyclist who rides in the middle of the car lane instead of the bike lane, then crosses three lanes of traffic to make a left turn while everyone else comes to a complete stop. Or the idiot making a right turn who looks at you coming, pulls out anyway, then goes about ten MPH slower than the posted speed limit. Or the person with the Yes on 8 stickers on their car--they are a definite target. I suppose the scope of this game is pretty limited, unless you find the stones to take it out into more public place. Like, wouldn't it be awesome if everywhere you went you had a smoothie to throw at someone stupid? Like the person who gets all the way through the checkout and then realizes they forgot their wallet in the car? I'm always the guy behind them trying to buy one thing--it never fails. A nice smoothie to throw in their stupid face would seem like a nice reward for their idiocy.

I guess it all boils down to the old bumper-sticker adage, "I'd be nicer if you were smarter." Stupid people should get slurpee'd. Maybe then they'd stop being so stupid. I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I like to think I'm aware enough of my surroundings to not inconvenience others when I don't know what's going on. If I don't know something, I ask. I don't assume that my needs will be attended to when I'm the one in the wrong. Like if you're the person who makes the entire lane of traffic stop because you decided you wanted to turn left at the last minute, why should everyone be nice and let you over? I've made that mistake plenty of times, but I don't slam on my brakes, flip on the turn signal and make everyone else wait while I inch across to the next lane. No, I drive my happy little ass to the next street, make a right, make another right, and make a left turn from that intersection. It's not a difficult procedure really. Ater all, you're the one who screwed up, you should be the one who makes the extra effort. Otherwise, some smart person driving by should throw a slurpee at you. Or a jamba juice--it's really up to them.

It's not like eggs that corrode your paint, or paint that paints over your paint, it's just a little ice, juice, sorbet, and fruit. It washes right off, but it will certainly make you think twice about being an idiot. Or at least you would hope so. But probably the idiot in the wifebeater with the PBR at 8:00am will never learn, no matter how many slurpees to the face he gets. It's unfortunate, really.

Medi-o-core for the last time

Ok, as much as it pains me to say this, I think I've gone to my last NOFX concert. Not just because they suck live, and have actually gotten worse live, but because NOFX used to belong to a genre that was tolerant of being different, actually embraced difference, and now they (meaning Fat Mike) are preaching hatred and bigotry of all things religious. "Punk in Drublic" was one of the first CD's I ever bought when I first started listening to punk rock, and one of the last songs on the album is a song called "Happy Guy." The lyrics describe a man who has turned to religion to balance out the imbalance he sees in the world. While interspersed within the lyrics is negative criticism of "happy guy's" choice, the last lines of the song say, "Don't try to judge him, his theological ideas/His hopes may be false but his happiness is real/Don't try to judge him, he's just a man."

What happened to that attitude of tolerance? While you may not agree with religion, or even a belief in God, the least you can do is not judge others for their beliefs. But apparently Fat Mike doesn't feel this way anymore and decided to rant most of the night about the "idiots" who believe in God, and why they "don't belong at a NOFX show." Fine. See you later, buddy. I am sorry you have chosen to ostracize a group of people simply for their beliefs. Last time I checked, that wasn't punk rock. Last time I checked that was known as bigotry.

I'll be the first to admit that organized religion has its flaws, and blind faith in anything is an ignorant attitude, but I don't think that a belief in God, or at least something greater than yourself in this world, is a belief that should be criticized. What happened to, "We're the 'brews/sportin' anti-Swastika tattoos?" Don't those lyrics suggest the attitude of rejecting those who persecute someone based on their religion/heritage? I think so, but apparently Fat Mike lives by different rules these days.

So, sorry NOFX, I won't be buying anymore of your records (they've all sucked since War of Errorism anyway) and I won't be going to anymore of your shows. I wish that you would stick to strong social commentary instead of religion bashing, but who am I to judge--I'm no Fat Mike after all.